I have written often about my varied roles and identities, and usually I concentrate on the struggle to devote enough time and energy to each role. When I am Nikki the teacher, I am constantly troubled that I  am not devoting enough time and / or effort to my PhD and when I do grab the time for my studies, I always have a nagging conscience that I’m not “working”.

Friday is usually my main PhD day – getting up at 4 am well before the family and throwing myself into whatever I’m supposed to be doing (my literature review at the moment). Yesterday I did something different. I got into the car at 6:30 am and drove all the way to Tel Aviv University, to join an Israeli forum for PhD students. The group is run under the auspices of the Tel Aviv sociology school but is open to other humanities research students. Yesterday there was an interesting session with Dr Nitza Berkovitch from Ben Gurion University.

The session was about building an academic career, in particular how, when and why to present at conferences. I gained a lot from the information supplied but also from just “being there”. I need these pushes every now and again. I need to say to myself: “Yes, Nikki, you really are a PhD student, you really are writing a doctorate…”. When I can stop and say these things to myself, I get tremendous pleasure from “being there”, feeling a student, acting as a student and even being able to imagine the day when I will be able to devote myself to research, teacher learning …

As soon as I sat down in the lecture room, organized in a circular fashion, I saw an ex-student of mine. I recognized her immediately, even though I haven’t seen her for 20 years and despite the fact that she was 11 and in grade 6 when I saw her last. When we left the room I approached her and said hello. She recognized me instantly and said “Nikki!”.

“You remember me?” I asked. “Of course” she replied, “I especially remember you reading books to us and I remember the question and answer box you made for us for our sex education lessons”.

I was happy to meet her and happy that there were things I did which were significant. However, the meeting did other things for me. The whole identity issue washed over me again – I came here as a student but even here I can’t be just  a PhD student. Maybe I should come to terms with the fact that my roles are so intertwined that they can’t ever be separated. When I am acting as a leader of professional learning, I am talking to the teachers as a colleague, as a teacher. When I am writing my doctorate, I am writing it as a researcher (still don’t feel comfortable with that title!) but also as a teacher and teacher educator.

Something else happened when I met my student, I also felt old – something I deal with every time I put my PhD hat on. How on earth can one of my grade 6 students be doing a PhD?

I walked away smiling happily. I had a wonderful day!